Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
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writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.