Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
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[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)