Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
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Found the job I’m suited for
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
🏙👨🏼
🤣🤣
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
man: wait
time: no
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”