Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
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I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
When he asks for feet pics
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito