@Amburglar_: Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on "Pitch Perfect" then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
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@smithsara79: *4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building Her: It's so tall, I almost touched the moon! Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
@jensenmarie_: GUIDE TO BEING BATMAN: 1. Lose parents, inherit everything 2. Let people get murdered 3. Never murder the Joker cause he's the best at puns
@TheCatWhisprer: Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.