Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
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My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
So sick of all these stupid rules
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Herpes is trending, good job people
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body