[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
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I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.