[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
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My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”