Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
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Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Erm I’m gonna say no
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
why would tinder want me to say this
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*