Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
You Might Also Like
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Bike for sale
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.