Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
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Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
guys i’ve cracked the code
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something