@olerunkbitch: Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
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@briangaar: Son your teacher called, she said you wrote "AQUAMAN RULZ" all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
@JermHimselfish: My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that's what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
@MondayPajamas: Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
@ericsshadow: 7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn't come last night. *wipes tear* Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.