Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
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This line from Airplane.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*