Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
You Might Also Like
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason