My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
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Happy thanksgiving
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.