Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing