Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
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Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..