Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
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Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?