@Robinbuble: Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I'm tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
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@Breadery: I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn't scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
@TheWoodenslurpy: Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
@Jake_Vig: Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don't want to get up there and there's no coffee.
@JediGigi: I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I'm pretty.