@Robinbuble: Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I'm tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
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@OfficeofSteve: I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
@HallpassCanada: Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.
@Reverend_Scott: [wedding reception] DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions? IDK HE'S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING