Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
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“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Found the job I’m suited for
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.