When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
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With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
President The Rock Obama
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you