Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
You Might Also Like
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?