If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
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When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.