Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
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{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk