Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
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[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.