Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
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haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
This could’ve been an email.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB