Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
How do you like your Corgi?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time