Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
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so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Hey Fugeddaboutit
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.