Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
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I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
birds and squirrels envy us
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂