Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
You Might Also Like
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok