Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
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I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.