Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
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My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.