Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
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Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Sponch
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.