Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
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Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Steam Forums
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.