MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
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My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS