Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
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Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Whoa 😂
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.