Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
What if the weather talks about us?
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably