I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
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so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.