Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
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200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Sign at work today
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.