MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
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never forget
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*