MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
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The prophecy is fulfilled
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Seems legit
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure