MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
You Might Also Like
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase