magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I will never stop laughing at this
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Very good news from my accountant
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*