@CornOnTheGoblin: [magicians backstage] don't panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
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@phxguy88: The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it. Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
@theshantilly: Me: Go ahead. Waiter: Huh? Me: You're staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it. Waiter: There's a leaf in it.
@pattonoswalt: "Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I'm trying to save Germany, not Gilligan's Island." -- Hitler's last words
@OldSpookMan: I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, "Are you the opposite sex, or am I."