[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
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[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice