*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Does beer think about me too?
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
The old gods are rising again.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.