*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
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Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.