*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.