@Breadery: Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
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@BatBatshitcrazy: Shout out to my neighbors for the 2:00 am fireworks; I hope you enjoyed my 7:00 am weed whacking.
@Arr: The reason cats are so pissy is they're God's perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
@CornOnTheGoblin: Welcome to Sarcastic Club Im sooo happy to see you all Anyone know the 1st rule? "Be less sarcastic?" Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
@slimmy_shady: Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that's not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?