Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
You Might Also Like
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
termite twitter scares me
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Bit chilly again tonight.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.