Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
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My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.