Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
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*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.