Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that