[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
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me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
How to properly lift a body
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.